We all enjoy conversations where we feel truly heard. When someone listens to us attentively, it makes us feel understood and valued. Professions like psychiatry, coaching, and counseling are built around this principle, with experts using active listening to build trust and connection. Despite the known benefits, however, most of us find it challenging to listen attentively for long. Why is listening so difficult? Behavioral science offers some insights, along with practical tips to improve our listening skills.

Why We Prefer Talking: The Science Behind It

Listening demands focus and cognitive energy. When we listen attentively, our brain stores information to process later, creating a kind of “sensory overload” that can be tiring. Neuroscience also reveals that talking about ourselves releases dopamine, the brain’s pleasure chemical, making us feel good and reinforcing our urge to talk rather than listen. However, this pleasure for the speaker can translate to cognitive strain for the listener, who has to keep up with the incoming information.

Interestingly, studies show that silence can be powerful in conversations, allowing time for reflection. Sitting silently for even three seconds can make conversations more thoughtful, leading to better outcomes. Keeping this in mind, aim to share your views in 20-second intervals, giving the other person space to respond and engage.

Practical Tips to Enhance Listening Skills

To become better listeners, consider these four science-backed strategies:

1. Stop Talking

It might seem obvious, but the first step in improving listening is to stop talking. When we speak, it relieves our cognitive load and gives us pleasure, but it prevents us from fully understanding the other person’s perspective. Neuroscience suggests keeping a mental timer when speaking, as the listener’s attention wanes after about 20 seconds. Practicing silence and observing without judgment signals to others that you’re present and reflective, which fosters trust and openness.

2. Avoid Jumping to Conclusions

Our brains are wired to take mental shortcuts, leading us to form quick judgments about people’s actions and intentions. This tendency, combined with confirmation bias, can create a closed-minded perspective that blocks genuine understanding. When listening, our minds often try to connect dots and fill in gaps based on past experiences. This can lead to hasty conclusions and affect trust, as our internal judgments are often visible through subtle body language cues.

To avoid this trap, approach conversations with curiosity rather than judgment. As suggested in the book Crucial Conversations, ask yourself, “Why would a reasonable, rational person act this way?” This question humanizes the situation and encourages empathy. Instead of listening to confirm your own beliefs, practice listening to understand the other person’s reality.

3. Ask “What” Questions, Not “Why”

When we try to understand someone’s point of view, we tend to ask “why” questions, like “Why did you feel that way?” or “Why didn’t you try another approach?” However, research shows that “why” questions are often ineffective, as they can evoke defensiveness and prompt inaccurate explanations. Most of our actions are rooted in subconscious emotions, making “why” questions difficult to answer accurately.

Instead, use “what” questions to encourage open, non-judgmental responses. For example:

• Instead of “Why are you upset?” try “What’s on your mind right now?”

• Rather than “Why didn’t you try a different approach?” ask “What were you thinking at the time?”

“What” questions allow people to label their emotions and share more freely. This approach keeps conversations constructive and ensures that you’re listening to understand, not to challenge or judge.

4. Label and Validate Emotions

Labeling emotions is a powerful technique that can help listeners understand and connect with others. Research shows that identifying and naming emotions reduces stress by calming the brain’s amygdala, the region that activates during perceived threats. In a study, participants viewing distressing images felt reduced amygdala activity after labeling their emotions, highlighting the calming effect of affect labeling.

By labeling emotions, you show empathy and help the other person feel acknowledged. Chris Voss, author of Never Split the Difference, describes labeling in three steps:

• Detect emotional cues: Notice the other person’s tone, body language, and expressions.

• Label the emotion: Verbally acknowledge their emotion, such as saying, “It sounds like you’re frustrated.”

• Stay silent: Allow them to process and respond, giving space for a meaningful exchange.

  
  

Labeling emotions can be especially helpful in heated situations. If someone is visibly upset, saying something like, “It seems like you’re feeling frustrated” can help de-escalate the conversation and build trust. Even if your label isn’t perfectly accurate, the attempt signals empathy and attentiveness, fostering a more trusting connection.

Understanding Amygdala Hijack

When conversations turn confrontational, the amygdala triggers a “fight or flight” response, often shutting down the logical part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex. This response, known as an “amygdala hijack,” limits our ability to see multiple perspectives and often traps us in a narrow, defensive view. In workplace conflicts, this can lead to regrettable words and damaged relationships.

Using techniques like labeling and avoiding judgment can prevent amygdala hijacks, helping us stay calm and open during challenging conversations. In turn, this builds trust and strengthens relationships, making future interactions smoother and more productive.

Listening as a Pathway to Trust

Although talking often feels rewarding, listening with intent can be transformative. By stopping ourselves from talking too much, avoiding quick judgments, asking thoughtful questions, and labeling emotions, we can become more effective listeners. These small yet powerful changes can create deeper connections, increase trust, and foster meaningful conversations in our personal and professional lives.